Putting Things Off
I am truly blessed to be off work on this beautiful Palm Sunday and with that I thank God for all the blessings in my life. For example, I just finished the most scrumptious banana chocolate chip pancakes sprinkled with a little powered sugar and cinnamon and topped with chunks of slightly unripened bananas (my favorite). Now that is heaven.
However, the act of making those totally delish pancakes and the spinach salad with homemade vinegrette dressing tossed with farfalle pasta that I threw together last night brings me to a difficult place. I live in an adorable apartment in the great state of Texas where I do not have to mow my own yard or clean my own swimming pool daily. If my dishwasher breaks, I do not have to fix it. I have letters behind my name and a job in the country helping mostly good and honest people with animals that are an integral part of their family. However, having an apartment means I can't afford a home -- oh wait, I have one in a different state--that I can't get rid of and pay a large sum of money to on a monthly basis. And having letters behind my name means that I work insane hours during the day and the evening and the middle of the night. Which brings me full circle back to my pancakes this morning and the title of this blog -- putting things off.
Being thirty-something (uh hmmm, of course I mean twenty-nine) I often step back and think of where I thought I would be during this decade of my life and how little I get to relish in doing the things I love. For example, I love to cook. Cooking takes time, preparation, grocery shopping, cleaning up time, etc. I rarely get to enjoy it. My photography has been put on hold indefinitely. I just have to learn Photoshop to move forward and I haven't a spare second to do it or take a class. Everything creative that I love to do is halted because of my work schedule. And I simply can't afford not to work 70 hours a week. Kyle and I have been pushing things back - unsure of what either one of us would do upon relocation to a place the other is. And quite frankly, my moldy ovaries are getting dustier by the minute. The photography expeditions to Utah, Alaska, Patagonia --only mere thoughts in my cloudy mind. I have trouble extending my focus past the immediate joy of making banana chocolate chip pancakes.
Today, my one day off this week, is slotted for spring cleaning. The dirt that adorns my carpet must be swept. The endless dust accumulating on the light colored bathroom counter is embarassingly atrocious. But, hey, the kitchen is clean. And I need to go to the gym. What I want to do is take a nap, read Pioneer Woman's blog, finish a novel and have someone else clean my apartment (what a laugh!). I must get busy. I'm just tired of being busy and I miss my friends, my family, and my significant other. God always has a plan.
However, the act of making those totally delish pancakes and the spinach salad with homemade vinegrette dressing tossed with farfalle pasta that I threw together last night brings me to a difficult place. I live in an adorable apartment in the great state of Texas where I do not have to mow my own yard or clean my own swimming pool daily. If my dishwasher breaks, I do not have to fix it. I have letters behind my name and a job in the country helping mostly good and honest people with animals that are an integral part of their family. However, having an apartment means I can't afford a home -- oh wait, I have one in a different state--that I can't get rid of and pay a large sum of money to on a monthly basis. And having letters behind my name means that I work insane hours during the day and the evening and the middle of the night. Which brings me full circle back to my pancakes this morning and the title of this blog -- putting things off.
Being thirty-something (uh hmmm, of course I mean twenty-nine) I often step back and think of where I thought I would be during this decade of my life and how little I get to relish in doing the things I love. For example, I love to cook. Cooking takes time, preparation, grocery shopping, cleaning up time, etc. I rarely get to enjoy it. My photography has been put on hold indefinitely. I just have to learn Photoshop to move forward and I haven't a spare second to do it or take a class. Everything creative that I love to do is halted because of my work schedule. And I simply can't afford not to work 70 hours a week. Kyle and I have been pushing things back - unsure of what either one of us would do upon relocation to a place the other is. And quite frankly, my moldy ovaries are getting dustier by the minute. The photography expeditions to Utah, Alaska, Patagonia --only mere thoughts in my cloudy mind. I have trouble extending my focus past the immediate joy of making banana chocolate chip pancakes.
Today, my one day off this week, is slotted for spring cleaning. The dirt that adorns my carpet must be swept. The endless dust accumulating on the light colored bathroom counter is embarassingly atrocious. But, hey, the kitchen is clean. And I need to go to the gym. What I want to do is take a nap, read Pioneer Woman's blog, finish a novel and have someone else clean my apartment (what a laugh!). I must get busy. I'm just tired of being busy and I miss my friends, my family, and my significant other. God always has a plan.
You know what's ironic - I could write a post on my blog with this same title. As different as our lives look right now, I also feel like I'm putting things off. Where's my sense of direction? Where did my mind go? Am I hanging on to enough of my sense of myself or am I disappearing into my kids? Was our house the right choice? Are we selling out too much of our personalities for the sake of comfort? Oh to be alone - for longer than just the rushed weekly trip to the grocery store on Saturday morning - alone, alone, alone!! What luxury! If only we could swap lives with each other for a day now and then so that we could enjoy what the other has and escape from our own frustrations! Then again, I think contentment must feel boring. I'm not sure I would even recognize it if I felt it! I just try to have faith that when the time comes to jump into the next phase, we'll be ready to go.
ReplyDeletePS - I'm also spring cleaning, and I also like slightly unripe bananas best! :)